i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
