dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
