I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
