so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
