Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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