I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
