Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
