My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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