Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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