Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
