Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
