Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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