everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
