Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
