you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
