I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
