Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
