Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its not stalking. its research.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
