Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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