fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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