Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
