remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
