I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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