You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
