haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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