my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
