we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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