He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
