yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
