A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What changed your mind?
Being sober
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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