Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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