Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
