right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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