I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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