I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
