Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My vagina just recognized that song.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
