This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
