the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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