Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
