since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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