I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
