The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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