can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
