Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it

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(870): View more from Arkansas

RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!

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