Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
