Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
