Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
