so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
