my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
