He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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