today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
