I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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