i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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