come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
