My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Someone signed my nipple.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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