My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
please come you make the beer taste better
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
